"You can hate me, you can love me, but either way you are going to respect me... BITCH"

 So.....You think you can hate on me, please think again.

Sometimes I just wonder why I can't be happy with everything else I have in

life.. Why is it that I hang on to something that (1.) Treats me like complete shit. (2.) Can't appreciate me. (3.) Tells me he loves me but doesn't mean it.

I'm sick of feeling this way. But I can't stop tearing up everytime I pass by that restuarant we went to for Valentine's Day, sleeping in my bed alone wondering if who you are sleeping next to, keeping a smile on my face but everyone can still see the pain in my eyes. "Just get over it already"- its what everyone is telling me. I tried to, I really did. But everything just came back to me when another guy called me baby, and me looking around like a dumbass because in my heart I knew I wasn't HIS baby. 

I still sit in my bed at night always wondering why I wasn't good enough..

"She ain't got

 nothing on

me" ... I just have

 to repeat

 that over and

over... and try

to believe it.

hehe... I went out to eat at the plaza last night... dang

 I really need to think outside the box (Olathe). No

one is going to see me out here anymore.. Shit

between working out at Legends and shopping at the

plaza!- Nishy you are probably the only one that will

read this so you better write me something!

Everyday that goes by I am thankful to have such

wonderful friends..- Kalie&Abby, Syl, Nee Nee, &

Alika.

So I am coming back into Xanga because I feel like it is truely therapeutic. These past few

weeks have been a real rough time. I try to look past everything that is

bothering me but it seems like it just doesnt work. Last week I didn't have anything to

really do, I didn't babysit or anything... and under a lot of stress... well I kind of

just TRIED to drink my problems away. Broke a few shot glasses and now I have to

get a new one. It's really pathetic that I have let my life fall apart. I haven't been

feeling all that good to even get up in the morning and do what I plan to do. Sometimes I

don't even get up until 6pm and then I lay there. I hate going out... to the movies..

the mall... anywhere. I hate feeling at my lowest. It's hard to

trust anyone. I don't even think I can put as much into any relationship, only to

know that it will be for nothing. It's hard......feeling like you have worked too hard and too

long... and for what? It's FUCKED UP.......never again.

"What hurts the most... is being so close.... and having so much to say... and watching you walk away... and never knowing what could have been... and not seeing that loving you.. was what I was trying to do."